While I’ve been writing fiction for only fourteen years, I’ve been a therapist since 1986, clocking me in close to forty years of clinical work. That’s a bit more than the ten thousand hours need to be proficient and competent in most fields.
As a younger therapist, I was sure I knew everything about everybody in any situation. It was nice never being wrong, never having to truly listen to other people’s thoughts and positions because, well, I knew it all. At twenty-four years old, I had all the answers. At sixty-two, after dating, marriage, in-laws, family of origin drama, new life and death, children, more drama, struggles, chronic disorders, illness, marriages, cancer, different jobs, and positions, I have some answers, finally.
So, what does it all mean? Here’s a couple of postulates about older clinicians that make for better therapists:
“I’m sorry” – to all the clients and colleagues I worked with prior age thirty, I am sorry I did not give you the best advice.
“Neurobiology is important” – frontal lobe development is where higher functioning occurs such as reason, logic, wisdom, compassion, empathy, listening skills, theory of mind, putting words to feelings, patience, etc. – all of these are necessary to be a qualified, competent therapist, and all of this requires time and experience to cook. Neurogenesis and cognitive plasticity are the name of the game.
“Arrogance hinders neurogenesis” – it was only after I had children and lost my first job in 2005 that I was humbled. I did not have all the answers. I could not control outcomes for others and even myself. It was a difficult time.
“Change the narrative” – once I discovered that I had a choice in how to embrace change, how it could be seen as a positive rather than a negative, when a step back was not a failure but a tactical retreat, my story became mine. Now I could help clients fully embrace their stories, childhood trauma, and understand it is part of the journey, no longer hindered by guilt and shame is no longer necessary.
“Embrace the present” – it’s all about living in the moment and accepting things as they are and not what you would like for them to be.
“Enhance neuroplasticity to reduce age related cognitive decline” – as names become harder to remember, reading instructions are near impossible, and forgetfulness increases, more physical activity, increased sleep, remaining curious, trying new things, and remaining social are key.
“Be your authentic self”– born as a biracial, child in a poor, crime-ridden urban setting, raised by a single mother until ten years old on food stamps, it is difficult for me not to swear when surprised, not to show pain when someone is hurt, not to react when someone is upset. My students and clients will never say I’m fake.
“Be stoic” – to be stoic, means to be reflective of the events and experiences over time, and to use these things to help others.
These are all the things that makes a therapist a good therapist, a helpful therapist, a kind therapist.